[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
“I’ve had sex.”
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
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*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries