My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.