@d_whitehouse

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

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@Gre_Gone

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

@UncleDuke1969

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

@1Happytwit

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

@BuckyIsotope

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

@BuckyIsotope

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

@iscoff

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

@causticbob

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

@BlindChow

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries