My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Banana is the quietest snack