[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“It’s a long story.”
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If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
*seductively corrects your posture*