“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”


“It’s a long story.”

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[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”


If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert


There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.


I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.


My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.


PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby


[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.