My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Monica just destroyed the internet
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*