My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
You Might Also Like
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.