My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
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Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure