My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
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Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
🍞🦆
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
He-man has a Masters degree
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”