my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
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By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
birds and squirrels envy us
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?