My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
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the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Modded the new Gran Turismo
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough