My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands