My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm