My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. πŸ™

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Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.


NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”


If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”


You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!


*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–


It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.


There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.


What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.


“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.