@UNDEADTRESOR

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. πŸ™

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@bazlyons

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

@BMcCarthy32

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

@Try2StopME

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

@Kyle_Raney

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

@JohnHilsen

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

@NikiWithIssues

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

@weinerdog4life

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.