My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
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Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks