My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
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Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My patience has stretch marks.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”