@SnellWarren

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

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@VeganZebra

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

@BrainFumbles

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

@bigpoppadrunk

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

@omically

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

@dafloydsta

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

@GrahamKritzer

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

@iwearaonesie

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

@CynicalTherapi1

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

@Br00klyn_BeAr

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?