My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

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*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”


How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.


Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor


[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?


Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.


Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name


wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”


My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.


Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?