My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
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*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle