“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
79.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.