@TwinSurvivalist [Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
@PaulyPeligroso My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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@TwinSurvivalist 
@KalvinMacleod 911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
@AngieDavisHaha The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
@DocBrown21 “Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
@noog Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
@OlanDevine [at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
@GoldenSpirals Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
@ArielDumas Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
@WilliamAder Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
@scootergonscoot me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice