my mind
You just read my mind
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I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.