My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
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So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
doing some research
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Sniffing the broccoli
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.