Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
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If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.