My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
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AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.