My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
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Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Cats are still liquid.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
My wedding will be open casket.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.