My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
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My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars