My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
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“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
These are too funny not to post 😂
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway