My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
You Might Also Like
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
tell em, edith-anne
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.