My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
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Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.