My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
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FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
🦝🔥🦝🔥
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.