My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
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The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Breaking news:
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence