My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
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Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Penguins walking in 5x speed
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date