My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
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If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
we all know this pain all too well
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there