my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
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dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
When you kidnap a writer.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
This is me
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.