My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
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Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.