My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
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whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.