my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
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I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Ironic
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.