my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
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I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Lmfaoooooo
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”