My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
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Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
This is not me but this is me
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies