My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
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Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I am also baked goods
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M