My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
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My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
New favorite tiktok
I hope Alan is OK
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.