MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
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When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.