My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
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Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring