My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
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some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
My circle of trust is a meatball
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
are there any atheist mantises?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.