My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
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Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
dutch so unserious
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.