My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
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Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.