my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
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The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader