My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
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As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”