My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid