my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
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One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
mumsnet is amazing
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.