My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
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someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Going into Monday like
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?