My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
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COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
*buys another bird with the profits*
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
BLUE WHALE: um what?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
wish me luck lads
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”