Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

wish me luck lads

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”