My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead