My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
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Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Bobby pin
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.